So i feel like i have lacked honesty in my life lately. I don't feel well. I know that is particularly easy to tell but it goes deeper than my physical body even. I am bummed out. A lot. It would be really easy at this point to blame this on Crohn's which i have... a lot. In college i had several friends pass away suddenly, and to be honest most of them were not close friends that i hung out with everyday. But i feel like that in those 2 years my heart died. These were extraordinary people, the kind that love the Lord with all of their hearts, and are a blessing to everyone around them. The people who were born with a little piece of heaven attached to them. They gave so freely of themselves. When they were gone, i felt like God made a mistake. I should have gone in their place, because if they were left here they could offer so much more than i can. And i still can't shake that feeling, and each day it grows more and more. I feel like i don't belong here. I want my life to matter to affect people with God's glory to lead them to Christ and yet i fail at this daily. And when i feel him stir my heart to touch the world he hands me a disease. I don't understand and i am heartbroken because i can't make anything of myself. I am homesick. I long to be with my Lord to experience the fullness of who he is. Yet he has called me here. His purpose is true, and his character faithful. I will not let go of him, he will not let go of me. I am heartbroken and unsure, but i am very lucky that my God is steadfast and knows what he is doing, because as of right now i surely do not.
"O' afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted, I will build you with stones of turquoise, your foundations with sapphires. I will make your battlements of rubies, your gates of sparkling jewels, and all your walls of precious stones. All your sones will be taught by the Lord, and great will be your children's peace. In righteousness you will be established: Tyranny will be far from you; you will have nothing to fear. Terror will be far removed; it will not come near you." Isaiah 54:11-14
I like that promise. along with this one...
"The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." Zephaniah 3:17
Now that's got to make you feel loved.
