Brokenness

So lately brokenness seems to be the theme in my life. When talking about it in youth the other week God really struck my heart with the phrase "less of me and more of you". This is the essential theme to brokenness. The desire for you to diminish and God to increase. God is being very faithful in the promise right now. So in November of 2005 i wrote this little story to kinda describe the beauty of brokenness and also the seriousness of it as well so here's putting it out there....

The Stained Glass of Her Heart

She walks in grace and beauty, cradling in her hands a mystery sustained. She approaches cautiously, painfully aware of her every paralyzing fears. She shifts her eyes nervously around waiting for the next attack. As she turns she gasps at the sudden realization of where she is, who she is, and what lies before her. Tears push past the crumbling walls as she breaks. She is now captivated by the vision before her. Could this really be him? The one? She feels everything around her stop moving as she locks into his gaze. She is enraptured by the full weight of his glory. Overcome she is drawn closer. When she reaches the throne, she extends her clenched fists. Glass falls engraving its existence upon her tattered hands. A sob escapes at the shattered remains of her heart scattered upon the steps. He leans down and wipes the stray tear from across her cheek. She sighs as his fingertip graces across her like velvet. He sweeps her up and settles her upon his throne. His gaze never leaves her as he bends down on weathered knees and embarks on collecting her heart from off the floor. As he places it together she cries out in pain as her existence and being is shifted. His blood stains her glass as it cuts his gentle hands. She collapses exhausted. He is done. He turns and places it upon her lap. It is stunning.

For he has presented the beauty of the stained glass of her heart.

Outerbanks Excitment!

So, I found out this week that I will be able to make the treck with my family to the outerbanks this year. I cannot even begin to describe how flipping excited that makes me. Honestly I think its one of my favorite places, and that says a lot. I don't know, however, if it is the place, or if it is what God taught me there. Either way it holds fond memories. So I thought i would share some of my favorite pictures from the trip. Know that these are copyrighted by Jesselynn Photography.


Ok so imagine this...
You are innocently walking along the beach so you can view a beautiful sunrise. When you realize that along with the sun, these little creatures rise too. Now for anyone who knows me you know that I am petrified of crabs. Seriously they terrify me. I think the backstory of this may have to do with the fact that crabs were one method of torture from my brother when we were at the beach as children. So here Allison and I are walking innocently on the beach at 6:00 am. We are oohing and awwing over the magnificent light show, when we start to hear scuttling, digusting nasty little scuttling. So we look around and to our horror (please at this point reference the picture above) we see these little cretins, thousands of them and I so wish I was kidding! Our reaction: scream bloody murder and dance in one place. We finally gathered our wits and threw sand until we had this little boundary that the crabs wouldn't cross out of fear of being pummeled with tiny projectiles. Needless to say we made it out of there alive, but it was a close call. :) Now just imagine how you would react if a thousand little creatures with pinchers rushed you in a battle formation!

An introduction to Gary

So I guess, first I should explain who Gary is and where Gary came from. Well I have had internal digestive issues since pretty much my senior year in high school. The problem has progressively worsened over time. Well my freshman summer of college I traveled to Poland, while there I became really sick, it is at this time that Gary developed. While standing in Warsaw rubbing my belly, my friend Matt that I had met while there asked me if Gary was acting up. To which I responded po co? He said Gary, you know your gastric goblin. So it is at this point that Gary was born. Gary over the years has afforded me many awkward opportunities to laugh over, and in many ways has allowed me to fall back on God completely.

For many reasons I hesitate to write this blog today, the main reason being that I really don’t want to admit that I have a serious illness, and I need to start doing stuff about it. Gary was this cute little quirk about me that I knew nothing about. I was comfortable in the not knowing stage. In fact I had convinced myself that I was a hypochondriac, because let’s be honest anyone who has known me for more than a month knows I tend to be panicky. I am by very nature a very dramatic person, so creating drama I can handle, having uncontrollable drama happening to me…I’m not so good with. But alas I am jumping ahead of myself.

So here is my story of Gary’s diagnosis.

On May 20, 2009, I went in for a CT scan with a new Dr. named Dr. T. I sucked down a nice pint of barium (imagine chalk mixed into a paste that they lovingly have tried to flavor with berries to somehow make it better…), and walked in for my CT scan. Which by nature I love all things medical… really… so I was utterly fascinated. So after my 30 minute run of machinery, they had me change, and then they would release me. So I sat and waited and waited and waited… and then 45 minutes passed and I personally got to meet the radiologist on call, when he came out to tell me I was going straight to Dr T to then go to a surgeon to have my appendix removed. So I was sent on my way, amazingly enough I wasn’t at this point panicking. I made it to Dr. T who was slightly confused by my CT scan due to the abnormal size…of…well of everything down in the appendix region. So out of caution he sent me straight to my surgical consult. Well after a long phone conference with Dr T, the radiologist, and all three of my surgeons (by this point I had become a medical mystery so my surgeon multiplied). They finally said we don’t think its appendicitis, in fact if we took out your appendix we would have to take out your appendix, 6-7 inches of your small intestines and the right side of your colon, because everything in so inflamed it would collapse. I am very grateful to report I still have my guts in me, and very blessed that God blessed me with Doctors who know what they are doing. The surgeon then mentioned that he had seen cases like this that were Crohn’s patients. So Dr T agreed and I was scheduled for an emergency colonoscopy the next day. Well that was an experience in itself. I was scheduled for my procedure at 1:00 I don’t really remember anything after 12, and I woke up at 6:30pm (apparently according to my mother after throwing up in the kitchen trash can). I remember walking out in a stupor and asking, “so what happened?” It was at this point that I was told I have Crohn’s disease. Gary was now official, and officially a pain in my butt (no pun intended).

So what is Crohn’s? I honestly can’t tell you. I know it’s a chronic inflammation of the digestive system that may or may not be correlated to your immune system. I can tell you I have it in my colon and ileum (this is the last 8 inches of your small intestines that attaches to your colon). I can tell you that my small intestines are strictured, and closing. I guess I can name all these facts to you but overall I am confused on what this means. And it’s scary not knowing. It’s also scary knowing I have the same disease that killed my friend Pam Darnell. It’s ironic really I spent the majority of the last 3 years trying to kill myself only to have God convince me that living for him is so worth it and valuable to feel like, death actually is a possibility (really it’s a minute one at that but it’s the knowing someone that died that gives this a really weird feeling).

But as not ok as I am with this I do find security in the fact that God is bigger than all of this. I know that there will be good days, and bad days, and days where I am paralyzed in terror, and days where I cry all day, but I also know that none of this compares with God’s character. And through this I am being taught the very discipline of resting within Christ. We are not always called to go and do, and seek, but sometimes just to sit still and listen, and simply absorb his character, through our surrounding situations. We don’t need to do in order for God’s glory to be shown, sometimes we just need to be. Like in Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations; I will be exalted in the earth.”

Today my heart aches and is confused, and I am anxious about what tomorrow brings, so today I am determined to stand still and be enveloped simply by whom God is. Just like an oyster binds the pearl that is within it, I am placing all I am in the center of Christ’s character. This won’t make these fears disappear but they will seem significantly smaller compared to how vast my God is. And for today I am more than ok with that.

The Beauty of Melancholy

What is it about melancholy that draws us like the proverbial moth to the flame; for us to delight in a dance around it, hoping at worst that it will singe our wings? Tantalizing it with our plainness compared to its glory? Is it that only through its wild passion that we can hope to feel for our own? Oh to be captivated, to grasp the importance of the ugly to find and hold on to the beautiful. For in this world beauty is only promised to be faded. To die within time, so we morn its passing yet enchant within its final breath. For what value is something unless it is something that we risk to lose. Why must we prance upon the edge of life, to place our hand on the glass to which we cannot reach beyond? For we remember its within our own melancholy and mortality that we break through the limitations to pass on our melancholy to the next generation, like the torch to wield. It is my belief that it is within the depth of pain that we can glorify in the healing nature of Christ. That we appreciate the moment to experience another facet of the character of God. It is within the moments where my heart shatters that i climb into my Father's lap and cry into his chest, allowing my emotions to spill forth and seep into his grace and be absorbed by his love. To me this makes any depth of pain not only worth it, but a glory of its own.

My Health

So, a big concern as of late has been about my health. For those that don’t know the primary concern is that I keep getting sick, and each time I get sick its worse and it last longer. For example last week I ended up getting an IV in my arm to rehydrate me and nourish me back to health. It worked (yay!). The issue is for how long. I feel like in 5 more days I will just be sick again. After talking to various doctors and nurses, I have received a full panel blood test specifically for lupus, leukemia, and lymphoma. To me these three are pretty heavy words. I feel like I should be worried but I’m not. Facing this has just cemented the fact to me that the God that I love is a big God. Which means he is so much bigger than any of this. And for today I am just securely resting in him.
It was funny because last week, the doctors were concerned with appendicitis. So I had one really bad day where I was struck with the thought of, “wow any given moment now I could just die.” So after being plagued for half the day I was really struck by the truth of this statement but not because of appendicitis but because we are vulnerable as human beings and there has been many tragedies and untimely or expected deaths that have proved this over and over. So why then do we not live as if each moment is our last, because not to be morbid but it could be and there is great hope that rest within that. And I do not mean by having fun or taking risks but rather investigating the hope that we have in life. Because let’s be honest, when you are dying are you looking for that one last thrill or the meaning behind it all? I think I am going for the latter, which is why I feel blessed because I do know the meaning behind it all! To serve and glorify God, and to help other rest in the hope that I have found in Christ. That is pretty darn awesome. And although this proves to be such a simple statement carrying it out has proved to be the most difficult, compromising, heart wrenching challenge I ever have endured and that my friends is what makes life worth living: when you have something to fight for.

So today I am fighting for the peace just to Rest in God. Here are some of the encouraging verses that are helping me today:

“I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” Matthew 6:27

A spot about me

So warning message: i have no idea if what i wrote below makes sense i just kind of babbled and i'll be honest i am too lazy to go back and change it. So sorry!

So I figured I needed to do one post that is the about me post, so this is it. I am a 22 year old girl, who feels God has called me to embark on a life of missions photography. Although I am not sure how this endeavor will play out, I have recently clung to the fact (as my wonderful friends and family have so lovingly put it) that God does not glorify in where we end up but rather in the walk we take with him to get there. So even though I have no idea where this may take me, God has definitely given me little “cookies” I guess to keep my interest. I know it’s pretty sad that God has to bribe me like a little squirrel to keep me following him, but it’s kind of amazing to me that he does it anyway. That is how involved God is in our world and lives.
Cookie #1 A vision for community
-imagine this. Being actively involved in a person’s life who lives 5,000 miles away would if you talked to on the phone wouldn’t even know what you are saying. To me I really feel burdened to promote and create ideas to achieve a worldwide community of Christians. We are scattered when we have the technology to resolve this. Example, look at the New Testament letters. Mail to months to get to one another yet they have a closer knit community despite the lack of technology then we have today. What I feel my role is to play in this: hmm maybe photographer, or facilitator. My question what is the best way to facilitate this change yet not allow it to take over primary means of communication. I feel like that whole thing was confusing…

Cookie #2 Cynicism and its place within the modern church
-things that make me sad: the corruption of today’s church. Hardly anyone can deny that today’s church faces corruption. A comfort is knowing that yesterdays church did as well. You can hardly read through the New Testament without reading about problems that the church faced back then. It’s through those books that we start to realize that on this Earth the church will always face corruption within its walls. It’s a sad sucky fact but a true one. Although the way to clearly deal with this may be hidden I can certainly give you two ways not to. #1 cynicism. For so many years of my life I hated the church. My way of dealing with this hate was to remove myself from the church with the thought of, “Hey I am better than them.” This primarily was a stupid decision. I prided myself on being above the church because hey I was so postmodern baby. I removed myself from a institution instead of helping it. It’s true the church needs help. But primarily the church as a whole needs our love, as its body. Cutting off the little toe from the body of the church does not heal the rest of the body but rather hurts it and makes it bleed and prone to infection. If you look at the human body when one part of the body gets a infection you don’t see the bone marrow going, “well hey guys so I am not cool with this so I think I am just going to head out.” Instead the marrow produces white blood cells to fight the infection. So this should be us as a church. We need to rally and love the rest of our body. Now this does not mean we condone the corruption that is happening, but you care for a wound to heal it not beat it. I guess my primary concern is just to love the church. And it really is as simple as that.